The Struggle For Three {Discerning whether or not to keep makin’ babies}

April 25th.

The Day of Decision.

The day Sweet Basil turns one.

The exact age, to the very day, Little Tomato turned when we discovered we would be looking forward to welcoming a new little being into our home.

Therefore, it’s time.

It’s time to begin making a the decision.

Do we add a Spicy Onion to our mix of Sweet Basil and Little Tomato or do keep our simple two ingredient marinara?

I have to tell you, this discussion is neither easy to talk about nor simple to decide.

I’m not a gushy-loving-sweet-cheeks-kissing-baby-lover.

The infant stage? It’s nice.

But when all the teeth come in (as much as I adore those gummy smiles, I despise teething) and they begin to jump & talk, leap & laugh, play & communicate.  I’m all in.

I could cite reason after reason that may or may not factor into why we may or may not decide to have another child join our home.  They run the gammet:

  • Can we afford another little one?  Is there such thing as really affording a child?
  • I really love driving a small Civic.  The idea of “upgrading” (everything?) scares me shitless.
  • I love peace.  I love space to be peaceful.  Am I ready to add another voice into our home?
  • Am I ready/willing to give another two years to another developing person.
  • In the long run we want to be able to love, serve, live elsewhere.  If another child enters the mix, what would this look like?
  • I like having a guest room, a space where friends and family can, and often do stay when traveling through or simply coming to visit for a day.  It’s a sacred room that has given rest to many.  Another kid and the room would be toast.
  • We feel complete, if you will.  I can’t imagine our family in any other form at this time.

Most of all though, what keeps me up at night:  I am scared to death that having another child will only decrease the space in our lives that we currently allow to be penetrated by the Spirit and what She may be asking of our lives.  

I am fearful that as another life may come into our world, our world will only decrease in size as opposed to increase our welcome for others within the Kingdom.

I hear you and yes, I agree.  If the call arises, I too believe there is always enough love to give and there will always be the space to give it if we allow.

I read my words and a resounding alert to the attention of fear shouts loudly.  I believe I am not required or asked to live in fear but to allow submission to God and Her Spirit and Christ to guide this life I navigate.

But the self-imposed questions and hesitations continue and I can’t help but easily build a strong support system for each one of my fears that stop me in my tracks from making any more babies.

These fears will me to believe that I am more than my role as a mom.  That as beautiful as this season of nurturing, birthing and sustaining another living human is – I am a woman, a  soul, a being who too was created, fashioned to embrace the world and leave a mark with a model number of influence.

I’m struggling to see how having another child will increase the space in the here and now to love our neighbor as ourselves.  In order to love myself I need time and space.  Shouldn’t I fashion my life in a manner in which I allow others that very same amount of time and space?

I, as a person, need to be available and not hurried.  I believe in the right to live a slow, sacred, and reverent life.  Shouldn’t I seek to keep these values, this call, in line with how many children we choose to bring into our home?  Shouldn’t I be available to offer this same amount of space and slow, sacred reverence to not only our children but to Jake as well as our neighbors, whomever they may be on any given day.

How lovely is the freedom we are flirting with at this time when friends, family and strangers alike may come into our home at a moments notice and we can welcome, truly welcome, them into our home as a center of hospitality and love.

God demands of us not to live in fear.  My desire, hope, is that my fear is not my North but that my compass continues to land directly into the nurturing and loving body of God and the call that Christ has burned into our hearts, to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and to love our neighbor as much as we love ourselves.

I’m simply wondering what my capacity is in this world to both live into this call and to love others as we contemplate the possibility of another DeBoni.

IMG_9638And really?  How many more bodies could truly rest here?  I’m sure I would be surprised.

Is marinara always better with a little Spicy Onion?

What has guided your decision to either continue or to stop makin’ babies?

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11 thoughts on “The Struggle For Three {Discerning whether or not to keep makin’ babies}

  1. I never imagined what it would be like to have children. I never “planned” the way some people do, or intended to be a parent someday. I suppose I always figured it might happen, but didn’t put a ton of thought into it until that day I came home to a special announcement from my wife. It was the same with having a 2nd. The third was a bit of a surprise, and I remember the thoughts we had at the time. How will I take my girls out, if I only have two hands to hold with? Answer: There are now 8 hands when it’s just me and my girls. But what about house size, and guests? We’re planning to host Easter this year, & having 24 people come over – most spending the night on any floor we can share. Finances? Ha. We live simply, and still have simple things to give in valuable ways.
    And now? Realizing there are children without parents/families, and wanting to wrap my family forever around something larger than ourselves – we are on the journey to adopt a daughter from Africa. God continues to stretch us, transform us, and use us in great ways. 🙂 Seems He has that in mind for yours too…

    • Am I ever glad you left a comment here, leading me to your writing, thoughts & journey. Such a gift to hear from you and read your thoughts. Can’t wait to keep up on your journey into adoption and continue reading about your daily life with girls. Your words were such an encouragement.

  2. Love this, sweet friend.

    My thoughts for what they’re worth 🙂

    We knew we were ready to begin our family when we were ready for children and not just a sweet little baby. I knew we were done when I longed for a sweet little baby and not another child to add.

    Fear of God always trumps fear of man.

    Thankful you walk closely with your Maker who loves to guide us. And sometimes, allows us to make the decision between two wonderful things.

    • My dear dear friend – Thank you. I could read your writing and words for hours. Are we not due for a phone date in order soon?

  3. I never wanted to look back and think I should have had one more. No ones ever says darn a shouldn’t have had that last kids because I like my guest room and making my company comfortable. Our family is also very slow. We intentionally are not involved in everything and it is a priority to be together. Being together all

  4. Being together allows us to serve together. And our children love it. (we do meals on wheels 2nd Tuesday of the month. We’ve begun to develop relationships with these people and my children are a joy to them.) We have also had several friends stay/live w/ us at times and it has only been an awesome experience for us all. Although Maya did wonder why Geneieve and I could not just be gay so she could live w/ us permanently. 🙂 Our neighbors are important to us as well and it has again been great to foster those relationships together as a family. You are a natural mother w/ a huge heart. Go for it. You will never regret it! I also think that waiting a few years and having a couple more then is also a good idea. You can do know wrong w/ that huge heart of yours.

    • If there is anyone who can convince me of having more kids, it’s you. Not only because your gift is persuasion (read: manipulation), but more in part because of the life you live and usher your family into each and every day. I cannot wait to come and visit, if only to taste the goodness of the everyday in your home.

  5. I love onions, especially feisty ones. And, I love DeBoni children. You weren’t asking, but I’m casting my vote anyway.
    So many other thoughts. Can I just come stay in that guest room to share them with you? If it’s not available, I will be overjoyed to sleep on the floor in Avah’s room and listen to her teeth fuss all night.

  6. Pingback: The Struggle for Three {You Are Not Alone} | Suburban Compost

  7. Pingback: The Struggle For Three {Insurance In Kids} | Suburban Compost

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