The Day of Decision.
The day Sweet Basil turns one.
The exact age, to the very day, Little Tomato turned when we discovered we would be looking forward to welcoming a new little being into our home.
Therefore, it’s time.
It’s time to begin making a
Do we add a Spicy Onion to our mix of Sweet Basil and Little Tomato or do keep our simple two ingredient marinara?
I have to tell you, this discussion is neither easy to talk about nor simple to decide.
I’m not a gushy-loving-sweet-cheeks-kissing-baby-lover.
The infant stage? It’s nice.
But when all the teeth come in (as much as I adore those gummy smiles, I despise teething) and they begin to jump & talk, leap & laugh, play & communicate. I’m all in.
I could cite reason after reason that may or may not factor into why we may or may not decide to have another child join our home. They run the gammet:
- Can we afford another little one? Is there such thing as really affording a child?
- I really love driving a small Civic. The idea of “upgrading” (everything?) scares me shitless.
- I love peace. I love space to be peaceful. Am I ready to add another voice into our home?
- Am I ready/willing to give another two years to another developing person.
- In the long run we want to be able to love, serve, live elsewhere. If another child enters the mix, what would this look like?
- I like having a guest room, a space where friends and family can, and often do stay when traveling through or simply coming to visit for a day. It’s a sacred room that has given rest to many. Another kid and the room would be toast.
- We feel complete, if you will. I can’t imagine our family in any other form at this time.
Most of all though, what keeps me up at night: I am scared to death that having another child will only decrease the space in our lives that we currently allow to be penetrated by the Spirit and what She may be asking of our lives.
I am fearful that as another life may come into our world, our world will only decrease in size as opposed to increase our welcome for others within the Kingdom.
I hear you and yes, I agree. If the call arises, I too believe there is always enough love to give and there will always be the space to give it if we allow.
I read my words and a resounding alert to the attention of fear shouts loudly. I believe I am not required or asked to live in fear but to allow submission to God and Her Spirit and Christ to guide this life I navigate.
But the self-imposed questions and hesitations continue and I can’t help but easily build a strong support system for each one of my fears that stop me in my tracks from making any more babies.
These fears will me to believe that I am more than my role as a mom. That as beautiful as this season of nurturing, birthing and sustaining another living human is – I am a woman, a soul, a being who too was created, fashioned to embrace the world and leave a mark with a model number of influence.
I’m struggling to see how having another child will increase the space in the here and now to love our neighbor as ourselves. In order to love myself I need time and space. Shouldn’t I fashion my life in a manner in which I allow others that very same amount of time and space?
I, as a person, need to be available and not hurried. I believe in the right to live a slow, sacred, and reverent life. Shouldn’t I seek to keep these values, this call, in line with how many children we choose to bring into our home? Shouldn’t I be available to offer this same amount of space and slow, sacred reverence to not only our children but to Jake as well as our neighbors, whomever they may be on any given day.
How lovely is the freedom we are flirting with at this time when friends, family and strangers alike may come into our home at a moments notice and we can welcome, truly welcome, them into our home as a center of hospitality and love.
God demands of us not to live in fear. My desire, hope, is that my fear is not my North but that my compass continues to land directly into the nurturing and loving body of God and the call that Christ has burned into our hearts, to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind and to love our neighbor as much as we love ourselves.
I’m simply wondering what my capacity is in this world to both live into this call and to love others as we contemplate the possibility of another DeBoni.
Is marinara always better with a little Spicy Onion?
What has guided your decision to either continue or to stop makin’ babies?